"How To Write an End Times Novel Before the Rapture Takes Place!"

Did you know that Tim LaHaye just "wrote" his 666th Rapture novel? No? But you want to know all about it? Great! The novel is Edge of Apocalypse, and is co-authored with Craig Parshall (the guy who does the actual writing), and is published by Zondervan, who published LaHaye Hits such as Revelation Unveiled, How To Win Over Depression, and The Act of Marriage (Tyndale published the Left Behind books, as well as several other LaHaye Hits).  The web page for Edge of Apocalypse states:

In Tim LaHaye—creator and co-author of the world-renowned Left Behind series—and Craig Parshall’s Edge of Apocalypse, Joshua Jordan’s new weapons defense system will secure America against an array of new enemies, including a nuclear strike on New York City by North Korea. But global forces are mounting and corrupt government leaders will go to any extreme to prevent an impending economic catastrophe. As world events begin setting the stage for the “end of days” foretold in Revelation, Jordan must weigh the personal price he must pay to save the nation he loves. ...

Edge of Apocalypse pulls you into an adrenaline-fueled political thriller laced with End Times prophecy. From Tim LaHaye, creator and co-author of the world-renowned Left Behind series—the most successful adult fiction series ever written—and Craig Parshall comes an epic story ripped from the headlines of world events and filtered through Scriptural prophecy. Set in the near future, Edge of Apocalypse chronicles the beginning of The End—the earth-shattering events leading up to the Apocalypse foretold in Revelation.

That is, the Apocalypse foretold in The Apocalypse. Well, at least they don't call it "The Book of Revelations," which is common among some Rapturites. When I first read the phrase, "an epic story ripped from the headlines of world events and filtered through Scriptural prophecy," I thought, "What a great description of popular dispensationalism!" I would simply change "epic story" to "hokey mythology", and "ripped" to "ripped off and forced into a convoluted paradigm of countless conspiracy theories", and "Scriptural prophecy" to "crude and outrageous acts of hermeneutical violence," but otherwise it is right on the money.

And then I thought how helpful it would be if I could show readers how they too could write really rotten "end times novels" and make tons of dough, just like Tim "I actually was baptized in a Catholic Church as a baby!" LaHaye. After all, it really doesn't take talent, at least not as talent is traditionally understood; that is, as an exceptional ability or aptitude in a specific realm of thinking or acting. No, on the contrary, as someone who has read far too many of LaHaye's books, has written a lengthy book on premillennial dispensationalism (aka, "Left Behind theology"), and who showed how the basic template for the first Left Behind novel was likely taken from a 1970 book, 666 (also published by Tyndale), I think it is only fair that I help share information that will further destroy literacy in general and biblical literary in particular. And so, with that said, here are the seven steps to fame and fortune, also known as, "How To Write an End Times Novel Before the Rapture Takes Place!"

1. It's All About the Rapture! Here's the most difficult part of the process (unless you are Hans Küng or Joan Chittister): you have to renounce orthodox, Catholic teaching and embrace heresy. Of course, if you are a life-long Rapturite, you aren't as culpable for holding to false teaching as those who willingly trade truth for erroneous teachings about God having an earthly people (the Jews) and a heavenly people (the Christians), a two-staged Second Coming, a 1000-year-long earthly reign, and the Antichrist having a thick accent and riding a horse.

Here's a simple question to ask yourself to see if you have what it takes to write a real Rapture novel: "What was/is the greatest cosmic event in the history of the world?" If you answered "The Incarnation," or "the Crucifixion and Resurrection of Jesus Christ," you probably don't have what it takes. A number of years ago, LaHaye said, "We’ve [himself and Jerry B. Jenkins, co-author of the Left Behind series] created a series of books about the greatest cosmic event that will happen in the history of the world.” He was, of course, referring to the Rapture. Your novel should begin with the Rapture. It should talk endlessly about the Rapture. It's all about the Rapture. RaptureRaptureRaptureRapture. Got it?

2. Hire a Hack: For those who are still with me, here's the deal: you've sold your soul and placed it in mortal danger of damnation and mockery by people who appreciate good literature. On the plus side, you are already so close to writing the most bloody, violent, large-type faced, and horrible Rapture novel ever! (With the exception of Salem Kirban's 666, which is so horrible—and super funny!—it manages to make the Left Behind books sound as good as a Tom Clancy novel on occasion.)

Anyhow, you need to hire a hack. This is who will actually be writing the novel. Granted, this might seem fairly easy; after all, it's not hard to find people who can't read, write, or explain the difference between a noun and a verb. I understand that the public school system is producing them by the thousands. But the hack you need is not someone who is semi-literate and Twitters about Lady Gaga every twelve seconds. No, you need someone who writes badly really well, who writes the most insanely lousy prose of all time but with excellent grammar, spelling, and body odor. He needs to write about cosmic events in cosmically dreadful prose, like a seriously abridged, 21st-century James Fenimore Cooper.

Jerry B. Jenkins is a genius in this regard. For example, the antichrist in the Left Behind books, Nicolae Jetty Carpathia, is a crazy loon who wears leather chaps and usually rides a horse, uttering chilling speeches that include this sort of brilliant hackartistry: "These uprisings shall be crushed posthaste. As we speak, portions of our more than extravagantly outfitted fighting force will peel off to these locations to lay waste to the pretenders. They will regret their insolence only as long as they have breath, and then they will be trampled and made an example of." See my review of The Glorious Appearing (Book 259 of the Left Behind series) for more examples.

Also essential: the hack needs to be able to write quickly (capable of five to ten books a year), take orders without fuss or questions, and speak of you with proper reverence and adulation. In other words, he needs to be a combination of a young Dan Brown (the older Dan Brown doesn't work very quickly) and Ed McMahon (God rest his soul).

3. Selectively Misuse Current Events: This is rather simple: the novel has to go on and on and on about Israel (which is always good), Russia (or some part thereof; always bad), and the United States (ambiguous, a sort of wild card). References to North Korea, Iraq (Babylon!), Iran, China, and obscure Middle Eastern locations are also helpful. Any and every instance of war, terrorism, famine, international tensions, earthquakes, other natural disasters, food poisoning, allergies, and the common cold should make an appearance.

Just keep thinking: "Ripped from the headlines!" And then grip, snip, and rip away! The general theme is simply that the world is going to hell in a hand basket, everything is spiraling out of control, and your hero (named something along the lines of Jacob Jones, Jeremiah Samson, or Isaiah Thomas) is flitting from world event to world event, infiltrating the inner circle of the antichrist, longing for his raptured wife and son/daughter/second cousin, having a dramatic conversion while killing bad guys, and—of course!—reading the Book of Revelation. Which brings us to:

4. Abuse The Apocalypse: The really nifty thing about this Rapture novel business is that some guy John already wrote the basic plot two thousand years ago while sitting on a little island off the coast of Greece. In other words, there is no copyright to worry about! The key here is knowing that the Book of Revelation was not really written in any way for first-century Christians, or about first-century events, but is for people living right now, in the year 2008 2009 2010.

God, in other words, has blessed you with the opportunity of living in the time when the events described in Revelation are going to take place! What are the chances? In the words of that great master of Rapture disaster, Hal Lindsey, "We are the generation!" Sure, Hal and Tim are now in their 80s, but all that means is that the Rapture will take place very, very soon. Why? Because Hal, Tim, and John the Revelator said so! Not convinced? Well, go back to point #1. Then read LaHaye's Revelation Unveiled. Then drink heavily for a few hours. It almost worked for me.

But, seriously, the basic points of the plot are easily identified (once you sober up):

• Rapture ("Where did they go?"; Book 1)
• Seven Years of Tribulation (Billions of people die. Antichrist rules. Oprah comes out of retirement. Books 2-157)
• Second Coming and Judgment (Big payoff. Cosmic. Look at the bright lights! Books 158-163)
• Thousand Year Reign (Peace. Harmony. Sweetness. Boring. Two paragraphs.)
• Satan Unleashed (Diabolical! Wicked! Smokin'! Books 164-188)
• War with Satan (Pull out all the stops! Explosions! Screaming! Stuff! Books 189-202)
• Eternity (Timeless! Books 203-.....)

5. Claim Originality: This is a short but significant point. There have been Rapture novels written since the early 1900s. Lots of them. Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins have written one (or two) for every year of their lives so far. What you are writing is about as original as an episode of The Ghost Whisperer. So you need to emphasize how fresh, original, unusual, original, timely, original, unique, and original your book is. How it is needed now more than ever. How it reveals the truth about "Bible prophecy," the Book of Revelation, and the process by which the American Idol is really chosen.

6. Write Quickly, Write Poorly: This is closely related to #2. The essential thing is that the novels have an authentically rushed feel to them, as though you (well, the Hack) wrote them with the awareness that we are living in the End Times, on the Edge of the Apocalypse, close to The End, on the cusp of the Tribulation, etc. The writing should be punchy. Avoid multi-syllabic words unless you are referring to foreign names or describing cutting-edge technology. Chapters should be short, even shorter than in Dan Brown novels—somewhere between eight to 20 sentences in length. Editing should be light or nonexistent. Nothing conveys the sense of urgency like breathless, simplistic writing. Besides, the quicker you move things along, the easier to avoid questions about the gaping holes in the plot, the theology, and the main characters' heads.

7. Marketing the Beast—er, Book: Huge, huge, huge. For every word in the book, there should be at least a $1,000 spent on marketing. Big displays. Big ads. Use key terms such as "in the mold of Left Behind," "adrenaline-fueled political thriller", "an epic story ripped from the headlines of world events and filtered through Scriptural prophecy", "highly original depiction of earth-shattering events leading up to the Apocalypse foretold in Revelation", and "contains subtle Catholic-bashing that we'll deny but is obvious to anyone with half a brain." Hey, now that you've sold your soul, you really need to sell your book! After all, it will hopefully be the first in a long, seemingly unending string of Rapture novels, with a Rapture movie, as well as Rapture t-shirts, comic books graphic novels, video games, musicals (no dancing, of course), and so much more.

There you have it. You owe me. You really do. $666.00 to be exact.

On a more serious note:

• Eschatological Fact and Fiction: Catholicism and Dispensationalism Compared | Carl E. Olson

Comments

[Bradley J. Birzer]

You're always an excellent writer, Carl. Here, you're at your absolute best. Thank you. You've given me the gift of hard, side-splitting laughter. A nice break from grading finals.

[Christopher Lake]

As a person with an English degree and a love for quality writing, I literally laughed out loud at this hilarious (and at least partially accurate!) observation:

"For those who are still with me, here's the deal: you've sold your soul and placed it in mortal danger of damnation and mockery by people who appreciate good literature."

I know that many people (maybe even most) could care less about how well a fiction potboiler is written. As a fan of Flannery O'Connor's and Walker Percy's works though, I inwardly cringe and postpone the urge to laugh when my evangelical Protestant friends recommend the latest "End Times" novels. They are just so terrible on so many levels!

[Brian J. Schuettler]

Wow! 666th book??? Meaning...there must be gobs of meaning to this. Maybe Mr. LaHaye is pointing to himself as the Anti-Christ??? No. Impossible. This whole never ending hack novelist "left behind" crap,excuse me, theology thing is just too pregnant with REAL MEANING and it makes me kind of tingle and I can't help but feel like it has been ripped from the headlines and i want to say so much more but it won't come out. You know what I mean?!? Now,finally,as an ignorant, stupid Catholic, I finally, FINALLY understand that I will be left behind eternally (or at least a thousand years-even after reading Carl's book I get confused so easily!-whatever) and I so deeply regret my insolence for as long as I have breath, and then I know I will be trampled and made an example of. Dear Lord, it hurts already! But it was worth waiting for...Thank you, Mr. laHaye, you are very special.....as in different.....as in WEIRD. Put in a good word for me with the Big Guy.

[Sheryl D]

By following this template but substituting "aliens" for "rapture," you can easily produce a Whitley Strieber book.

[Charles Horn]

THANK YOU!!!

[Sandra Miesel]

But are the LeHaye books really worse than IN THE TWINKLING OF AN EYE by Sidney Watson, from the time of WWI. (How can I forget that author's obsession with beautiful Christian maidens "stripped entirely naked" and sometimes smeared with honey?) We could take a vote for worst-ever apocalyptic books.

My son recently expressed the desire to go back in time and stop Darby in his tracks.

[Salome Bintullah]

"Nicolae Jetty Carpathia"? Seriously? Did they pay a fantasy-novel-obsessed fifth grader to come up with that name?

[Caspianrex]

Your analysis of End Times fiction was spot on. Some folks, if they haven't actually read some of LaHaye's or Lindsey's work, may think that you're being unfair. But as someone who has been morbidly fascinated by End Times writing, I assure everyone that this is pretty much exactly how these guys write. Well done.