Did Jesus Act Improperly?

According to a Catholic News Service piece, "Nearly three-quarters of Catholics oppose the idea of church leaders denying Communion to politicians whose public positions on abortion and other topics contradict church teachings, according to a new Pew poll." Shocking? Hardly.

Also not surprising: "The largest percentages of smaller groups of respondents to say church leaders acted improperly by denying Communion to politicians were Catholic Democrats, at 81 percent, followed by Catholic women and self-described liberal Democrats, at 80 percent."

In related news, 83% of those who witnessed Jesus' entire Bread of Discourse were upset by his insensitive, improper remarks. "I'm still angry about how the Redeemer of mankind acted," stated Ben Waffle-In, who described himself as a moderate, progressive Pharisee supporter with a degree in international relations. "He kept saying that we had to eat his flesh and drink his blood and I was totally grossed out. I'm a vegan, you know."

Others described their bewilderment in light of the grand lesson in hospitality that Jesus had taught them earlier. "We were hungry while up in the hills, so Jesus asked everyone to take out whatever food they had and to share it with their neighbor," recalled Levin Fersheer. "It was a beautiful lesson in hospitality and social justice." But Fersheer's face clouds in puzzlement when he describes the later controversy. "I thought that the God-man was being, like, way too exclusive, as well as hyper-literal. He should have embraced a more, you know, inclusive sense of community based on individuality, love of Mother Earth, and increased social programs. His talk about 'eternal life' and death was way uncool."

Several arch-conservative disciples of Jesus, overhearing Fersheer, disputed his account of events. He rolls his eyes: "They're so Fundamentalist and rigid, it's ridiculous."

Polls taken immediately after the discourse showed that the majority of Jesus' former disciples were bummed out by the turn of events, but planned to come together as a community and celebrate themselves and each other and whatever seems worth celebrating.

"We are Church," said one woman dressed in tight, bright garments and strumming a strange, stringed intstrument, "We are Church, even if Jesus doesn't agree with us. He might have had some good ideas, but that was yesterday. I'm in the here-and-how, you know?"

Another noted that Jesus' constant attacks on the Pharisees were tiring and confusing. "He shouldn't use religion to divide people, you know? He's so caught up in this whole Messiah thing that he's missing his chance to revise the Roman taxation system and build better stables for homeless camels."

Jesus could not be reached for comments, having gone to Galilee because he was receiving death threats. "Yeah, that's just like him," stated Waffle-In with a shrug. "He's always running away from conflict and tough situations. I've never seen him picket anything or go on a hunger strike or sacrifice himself."

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Sigh. Enough sarcastic fun. 1 Corinthians 11:27-32 is, I think, a good passage to ponder in this day and age: "Therefore whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner, shall be guilty of the body and the blood of the Lord. But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For he who eats and drinks, eats and drinks judgment to himself, if he does not judge the body rightly. For this reason many among you are weak and sick, and a number sleep. But if we judged ourselves rightly, we should not be judged. But when we are judged, we are disciplined by the Lord in order that we may not be condemned along with the world."

Comments

[Francis DS]

Does anyone know if Judas Iscariot was denied communion in the Upper Room?

[Mark H]

Didn't Judas sneak out before communion because he had other things to do, and besides, that Passover service was just too long anyway what with all those rituals and Jesus talking on and on...

[Bret]

Hilarious, Carl! Great satire! Thanks, it made my day!

Bret in Virginia

[beng]

According to Anne Catherine Emmerich's vision Judas did eat the communion. And reading the Bible it seems that he actually did eat it too.

[mcmlxix]

...and Judas killed himself in short order...eating judgement upon yourself indeed!