By Nick Bottom of Audacious Scoffing Services:
DEVIL'S ELBOW, Missouri (ASS)— Theocratic, mean-spirited violence has erupted throughout the deep South, the "Bible Belt", the Midwest, and a smattering of towns in the Rocky Mountains as thousands of Christians have taken to the streets, wielding swords, Bibles, and plowshares, to protest the recent revelation that Jesus had at least one wife. Other protests, less violent but also widespread, took place over reports that some scholars and pulp novelists believe Jesus merely dated, but never married.
In Devil's Elbow, Missouri, a group of about two hundred men, women, and children, all blood relatives of one sort or another, dressed in their Sunday best and carrying large Bibles, stormed through the downtown, chanting, "Those who mock the Lord, will surely taste the sword; Liars say he had a wife, liars deserve to taste the knife." At least eighteen were injured from blows and bursts of righteous indignation, and two men were slain in the Spirit, although they were apparently not harmed physically.
Eyewitnesses report that the riotous Christians were singing a popular, militantly theistic song with the lyrics, "It only takes a spark, to get a fire going/and soon all those around, are warmed up by its glowing..." One bystander, Joe "Buck" Bob, said the singing was "unusually good; they have really purty voices."
Similar riots have broken out in numerous small towns. But they are also taking place in cities and other important places. Demonstrations near Harvard University, where professor Karen L. King teaches, were especially intense, in part because Christians had not been on the Harvard campus for nearly five decades, and faculty and staff were deeply confused by their clean-cut appearance and efficient methods of quoting Scripture while seeking to force victims to "do some serious soul searching". Numerous faculty members and students were shocked and traumatized by what one history professor called "the sort of theocratic-inspired violence that hasn't been witnessed since Galileo was torn to shreds by Roman Catholic popes and their mistresses in the Vatican gardens in the thirteenth century."
King, the Harvard Divinity School professor who had brought the stunning text, "The Gospel of Jesus' Wife" to public attention last week, denounced the actions as those of "crazy, right-wing, woman-hating, religious zealots who want to impose their fundamentalist, sharia law upon people of good will and Ivy League professors." Speaking from a tightly guarded ivory tower, she told some six dozen reporters that the potentially bloody demonstrations were not surprising considering the violence that had followed the publication of The Da Vinci Code, which had first brought the issue of Jesus' marital status to the attention of people who were not aware of who Jesus was or why an ordinary Jewish lad would eschew marriage in the first place.